Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
