The Phrases from My Father Which Saved Us during my time as a Brand-New Father

"I think I was merely trying to survive for a year."

Ex- reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the challenges of becoming a dad.

But the reality quickly proved to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Severe health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into becoming her chief support as well as taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, every change… every stroll. The job of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following eleven months he burnt out. It was a conversation with his parent, on a public seat, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward words "You are not in a healthy space. You require support. What can I do to help you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and regain his footing.

His experience is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While people is now more accustomed to discussing the pressure on mothers and about PND, less is said about the difficulties new fathers face.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his difficulties are part of a larger inability to talk between men, who continue to hold onto damaging perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and stays upright every time."

"It is not a display of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health before and after childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - particularly in preference to a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental state is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the chance to ask for a respite - going on a short trip away, away from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a adjustment to consider his and his partner's feelings alongside the logistical chores of taking care of a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -physical connection and listening to her.

'Parenting yourself

That insight has transformed how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to better grasp the language of emotion and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen did not have reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, profound trauma meant his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "poor actions" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish.

"You gravitate to behaviours that don't help," he says. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Tips for Getting By as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you're feeling swamped, tell a family member, your partner or a therapist what you're going through. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the activities that helped you to feel like yourself before having a baby. Examples include exercising, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the body - a good diet, physical activity and where possible, resting, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, along with the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after your own well-being is the best way you can support your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the passing, having had no contact with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead provide the security and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the frustrations constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they faced their struggles, transformed how they express themselves, and learned to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, at times I think my role is to instruct and tell you what to do, but actually, it's a exchange. I'm learning just as much as you are on this path."